I don’t know.

all i know right now is

that i don’t know

i don’t know what i want

what i feel

i don’t know how to feel

a neverending cusp of tears and laughter

days where i am so rigid in my rented room

where my jumbled thoughts are my only company

other days, although much less frequent

i laugh and i smile and i sing and i dance

people who love me are all around

but i don’t know how to reach them

they say

“ do you want to talk about it?”

yes but i say no

i don’t know why

“why don’t you get out, get some fresh air? It might make you feel better”

i nod and agree and i go back to my room

oh how i know the things that should make me feel better, but

the crippling fear in my mind and chest say

don’t do it

don’t go for that walk

do not apply for that job

don’t respond to your messages

stay in bed 

and whatever you do, you must never ask for help

my chest is tight 

aches 

i breathe so fast and scream so loud

i’m sure to wake the neighbours

and then i blink

i’m in my rented room

3am 

all i hear are cars passing by

my mind is now silent

my breathing is now slow

i can sleep now

ready for tomorrow’s shit show

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