all i know right now is
that i don’t know
i don’t know what i want
what i feel
i don’t know how to feel
a neverending cusp of tears and laughter
days where i am so rigid in my rented room
where my jumbled thoughts are my only company
other days, although much less frequent
i laugh and i smile and i sing and i dance
people who love me are all around
but i don’t know how to reach them
they say
“ do you want to talk about it?”
yes but i say no
i don’t know why
“why don’t you get out, get some fresh air? It might make you feel better”
i nod and agree and i go back to my room
oh how i know the things that should make me feel better, but
the crippling fear in my mind and chest say
don’t do it
don’t go for that walk
do not apply for that job
don’t respond to your messages
stay in bed
and whatever you do, you must never ask for help
my chest is tight
aches
i breathe so fast and scream so loud
i’m sure to wake the neighbours
and then i blink
i’m in my rented room
3am
all i hear are cars passing by
my mind is now silent
my breathing is now slow
i can sleep now
ready for tomorrow’s shit show
